if you thought i wasn’t actually going to do this
Ralph Waldo EmersonMartin Freeman once said, “I was not going to pass up an opportunity to even nearly punch Benedict in the face. As fans of the long-faced, glasz-eyed actor, many of us can understand Freeman’s passive aggression. Research has shown that the “Benedict Cumberbatch” tag on Tumblr is often also tagged with the phrase #fuck you - we’ve found that fans are expressing aggression because they can’t actually reach out and touch the cheekbones. In this essay, I will outline the basics of the Cumberbatch, The Real.
Born July 19, 1976, Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born to parents Wanda Ventham and Timothy Carlton, leaving us to wonder, where the fuck did they get Cumberbatch? And more importantly, why? One of God’s greater mysteries, tbqh. Raised in London, he attended the Harrow School for Boys, and later the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art (LAMDA). He is best known for portraying Sherlock Holmes in Sherlock, though he’s been in ROUGHLY 323497 other projects in 2014 alone. But we’ll get to that later.
Our boy started acting when he was about thirteen, in which he played a woman. Incredible. (That’s what happens at all boys schools, lemme tell ya.) And this photo leads me to believe he may have played Nick Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Yikes. His career began mostly with TV-Movies and shorts, grew in the mid 2000s with some period pieces and other good stuff, then shot off in 2011 with Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, a film that has such a fucking ridiculous cast and plot. I watched it while surfing tumblr and could literally tell you nothing about it except drama, spies, blonde!batch, crying!batch, and soldiers??? Clearly I need to see this one again.
THEN 2013 HAPPENED AND WOWZA BOY’S GOT FAME lemme break this down for you: He starts the year off voicing Alan Rickman on the Simpson’s. Classic film. Jump to May (I believe?? If I remember) and we have Star Trek Into Darkness. Cinemas worldwide are enchanted by “the one with the cheekbones!!” or “the one that sounded like Snape?!” or “the one that looks like a snake!!?” But for me, it was the Single Perfect Tear Monologue that tipped me over the edge to a full-fledged Cumbercookie. But I digress. Fall brings us 12 Years a Slave, a fucking incredible movie that needs to win every award it’s nominated for. Ben pulls a southern accent and some period attire, swoon. And The Fifth Estate which was a really fucking good movie and I’m sad it BOMBED but eh, life. Next up: The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug! He finally gets to live out his dream of becoming a dragon, look at him go. Did you know he did motion capture or something idk he doesn’t like talking about it. THEN he does this little 20 minute indie thing Little Favour, which is actually just MUSCLES and BLOOD and FIST FIGHTS and AROUSING. We finish off the year with the third season of Sherlock, tipping us over to 2014, and then August: Osage County opens soon (or is open, idk where ya’ll live). He won BAFTA’s British Artist of the Year award, graced the cover of Time, explaining:
I completely f***ing forget it was a cover, I just thought it was going to be a story inside. And I was honored by being one of the very few actors who get a profile inside of the magazine. When it came out literally thought it was a mock up that a fan had done: I thought, ‘That’s not my hand!’ So when I found out it was a reality I was genuinely floored.
I could go on forever about all the amazing things he’s done in 2013 but it’s 11:09 and I actually do have homework to do so we’re gonna move on OKAY COOL.
I’d like to know who it was, one day, sitting at their computer blogging about Sherlock hiatus and the struggles that we live with, who had a lightbulb moment and said, “Oh, my god. I know. I know who I am. I must be honest with myself, and tell the world. I’ve found my label, and I can’t wait to spread the word. I am………a Cumberbitch.” LITERALLY WHO because they need to be pelted with jelly beans or something maybe mini marshmallows I don’t know but the fandom doesn’t like it, Benny C doesn’t like it, and those poor marshmallows that are being sacrificed don’t like it. Anyway, the point is, Benedict’s got QUITE the troop of followers. Cumbercookies, The Cumbercollective (as he’s attempted), Sherlockians, whatever you wanna call yourself, he’s found his groupies. Obviously we write/read fic, draw/look at fanart, vote him up to Empire’s Sexiest Actor Alive, go to Setlock, and much much more. And though he doesn’t love the term some girl came up with, he loves us! Which is wonderful. Because I love us too. We’re great at showing support (signs, kind messages, buying tickets to his stuff), and we’re great at showing him/his work to other people (“Okay, I know he kind of looks like an alien, but it WORKS, right??!” “It does kinda work, wow…how does he do that?”) - an actual conversation I’ve had. Many a time.
IN CONCLUSION (in ninth grade my English professor wouldn’t give us an ‘A’ unless we literally wrote “in conclusion,” crazy bitch) Benedict Timothy Carlton “On a Monday morning I can’t even say it once” Cumberbatch is an incredible man, actor, and general humanoid. He’s been raised well, has led a strong and steady career that’s only going up, attracts throngs of fans (…girls), and is amazingly humble. PLUS he can #work any hair color and owns the #chinfinite. Benedict, Benny, Ben C, BC…whatever we call you ironically, man, do we love you.
I fucking love this. Thanks for this.